When Your Wife Has a Drinking Problem

Are you on marital eggshells because your spouse drinks too much? It's emotionally trying when you don't know what you'll face when you come home. Is she sleeping it off? Ready for a fight? Numb? Part of you wants to be supportive and help her. Another part wants to run away. Your partner has an alcohol abuse problem. Should you confront her? Should you leave? How can you even begin to deal with this problem?

When one partner in a relationship has a drinking problem, the effects are widespread. They may lead to more conflict, raise the risk of violence and infidelity, and cause money and intimacy problems. The sober partner is faced with increasing responsibility to keep the household running - especially when there are children in the mix. It's an enormous burden. You're tired of the fighting. You just want the drinking to stop.

What can be done?
How you respond to your partner's drinking has a great impact on her potential for recovery. Don't try to hide it, control it or make excuses for her. These behaviors make it possible for her to keep drinking. It's called enabling. She'll need to experience firsthand the results of her drinking before she'll realize a change is needed.

The first steps to helping an alcoholic have more to do with restraint than action.

• Don't blame yourself. Alcoholism is a disease.
• Don't blame your spouse. Alcoholism is a disease.
• Don't pretend the problem doesn't exist. Don't make rationalizations for it.
• Don't make empty threats and ultimatums.
• Don't give her money for alcohol.
• Don't let her have access to alcohol.
• Don't drink with her.

Alcoholism is a lifelong disease, but it can often be controlled through abstinence. But, it's important to get professional help. You can't do it alone and neither can she.

Professional counseling techniques, such as alcohol focused behavioral couples therapy (ABCT), help the drinker learn life coping skills. They also help the partner support her efforts to change. Self-help support programs like Alcoholics Anonymous (www.alcoholics-anonymous.org) can help the people with alcoholism change this destructive habit. So can private or group therapy. But often, the alcoholic won't accept help until she hits bottom.

Meanwhile, you can get support and counseling to help you deal with the stress of living with a partner with alcoholism. Al-Anon and other organizations hold support meetings. They can help direct you to other important sources of assistance for you and for your partner - when she's ready. Take the first step. Talk to your own doctor, contact your employer's EAP program or contact your local office of Al-Anon (www.alanon.org).