It may be the most critical decision you'll ever make. Unlike buying a house or accepting a job, having a child is a lifelong commitment. Once you become a parent, it's your duty to care for that child - at least for the next 18 years. And the decision will have a profound effect on your life, your partner's and the new being you bring into the world or adopt.
Having children is the ultimate fulfillment in life for some. Not so for everyone, though. The rewards of parenting can come at the sacrifice of a career or even a marriage. And there is no guarantee that the trade-offs you'll have to make will pay off the way you expect.
Starting a family or not is about your own desires and priorities. There is no evidence that having a child will make your life better. In one large study of women in midlife, having a spouse, partner or close social relationships had a bigger impact on well-being than having or not having children.
Ask yourself these questions
The joys of being a parent tend to be more obvious than the demands to the uninitiated. Couples considering pregnancy should think about and discuss these questions together:
- Would you both make patient, loving parents? Are you ready to put a child's ongoing needs before yours?
- What medical, age or health factors need to be considered - fertility, genetic risks or ability to care for an active child?
- Is your marriage stable? Children often create more stress and arguments between partners.
- Are you prepared for anything? Could you handle a child with special needs or medical problems?
- How will you juggle parenthood, child care and a career if that's an issue?
- Are you on the same team as your partner when it comes to discipline, values and religious upbringing?
- Are your expectations realistic? It's not a given that a child will take care of you in old age or fill the void if you are lonely.
- Can you afford a child? Check this calculator tool at http://www.cnpp.usda.gov/Calculator.htm. A baby born in 2008 will cost about $221,190 to raise. That doesn't include college costs, music lessons or special medical needs.
Remember that not wanting children does not make you selfish, cold or immature. Not everyone is suited to be a parent or would find it gratifying. Remaining "childless by choice" is a more socially accepted option today. If you love children, you can keep them in your life as a doting aunt or uncle, through volunteer work or a job involving kids.
Trust your instincts
Trust your instincts after you think through the practical concerns of parenthood. Do you see yourself falling in one of these camps?
Let's do it!
- You have a strong biological or emotional urge to have a child.
- You love being around babies and children.
- Having a family is a personal priority for you.
- Having a child will bring purpose and meaning to your life.
I enjoy my life without children.
- You feel your life would still be complete and meaningful without children.
- Having extra money for travel, leisure and other pursuits means a lot to you.
- The loss of freedom feels like too much to give up.
- Your quality of life would decline significantly if you had to put a child's needs first.
It's not always black and white. Perhaps you'd feel more comfortable about having kids after you save more money, travel a bit or pursue your career. Put the decision on hold a little longer if you're on the edge.
Experts also say that both partners should be on the same page. If only one of you wants a baby, there could be trouble ahead. Letting parents or peers pressure you into a decision can also be a mistake.
Making the right choice
Make sure you have realistic expectations about what having children entails. Be aware that most studies show that couples' contentment levels decline when a baby arrives. At the same time, researchers add that the wonder and joy of creating and sharing a new life can't be measured.
The bottom line in one study of 6,000 women in midlife is that the happiest people were the ones who wanted kids and had them ... or didn't want kids and didn't have them. It's all about knowing yourself and making the right choice for you.
