Is Your Partner Depressed?

Marriages are built on love and respect, but what happens when depression casts a shadow over your relationship? It may be hard for a depressed partner to show affection. He or she may also be withdrawn and disinterested. This isolation can leave both partners feeling helpless and sad.

Start by seeking treatment
Thankfully, depression can be treated with the right combination of therapy and medication. That's why one of the best things you can do for a depressed spouse or partner is to encourage him or her to get treatment. If the person is reluctant to get help, offer to attend therapy sessions together - going as a couple may be less intimidating. In addition to treatment, joining a support group with others who are depressed may also help.

Other ways you can help

• Take depression seriously. Don't dismiss your partner's feelings by telling him or her to just "get over it." You want to convey understanding and patience, not exasperation and annoyance.
• Express concern gently. Bring up your thoughts in a calm, non-confrontational way. Otherwise, your spouse may become defensive and even more withdrawn.
• Suggest different options. If your partner isn't yet ready to seek treatment, help him or her find other ways to learn more about depression. Share helpful Web sites, books or magazine articles. Keep your partner as engaged as possible in activities he or she enjoys. Offer to go for walks together, for both the exercise and feeling of closeness.
• Maintain a thick skin. Depression can make a person angry and resentful, even when you try to help. If your partner says hurtful things to you, or blames you for his or her depression, try not to take every insensitive comment to heart. A defensive response from you may cause more aggravation to you both.
• Know when to get help. If your spouse talks about suicide, call a mental-health professional or suicide crisis hotline immediately. Never ignore a threat about self-harm.
• Take care of yourself. Your loved one's needs may feel all-consuming at times. Don't feel guilty about doing enjoyable things on your own if your partner isn't able to share the experience. Seek individual therapy if you need to.

What if it's me?
If you suffer from depression and worry about how it's affecting your relationship, try to talk openly with your partner about it. Keeping your feelings bottled up makes it harder for family and friends to reach out to you. Good communication makes your loved ones feel valued and may also help you feel better.

Depression may also lower your desire for intimacy with a partner. After all, if you're feeling badly about yourself, you probably don't want to get close to someone. Reassure your partner that you are still attracted to him or her, even if you don't act on those feelings.

Most importantly, seek treatment and stay committed to getting well if you're depressed. Learning how to cope can bring renewed interest and energy to your relationship. If one method isn't working out for you, talk to your partner and counselor about alternatives.

Neither you nor your spouse should worry about being a burden when turning to the other for emotional support if depressed. That is a normal part of any relationship.