Remember when you said that when the time was right, you were going to have "that talk" with your daughter? Well, she's not so little anymore.
Many fathers do discuss dating with their tween daughters, but they may be in the dark about what really goes on. About two thirds of parents think they know "a lot" or "everything" about their tween's relationships. But only about half of all tweens agree.
Dating relationships often start earlier than parents realize. About 37 percent of 11- to 12-year-olds say they have been in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.
Abusive relationships?
Your daughter may show that she is trustworthy and ready for some independence when she's ready to date. But be aware that among 11- to 14-year-olds, boyfriend/girlfriend abuse is fairly common.
- 62 percent say they know friends who have been verbally abused (called stupid, worthless, ugly) by a boyfriend or girlfriend
- 41 percent know friends who have been called names, put down, or insulted via:
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- Cell phone
- Instant messenger
- Social networking Web sites
- 36 percent know peers who were pressured by a boyfriend or girlfriend to do things they didn't want to do
If your child has been in an abusive relationship as a tween, it will likely happen again when she's older. Among teens who have had sex by age 14, about one third say they have been physically abused by an angry partner (hit, kicked, slapped or choked). This type of abuse can lead to depression, drug and alcohol abuse and a lack of success in life.
What can you do?
Before your daughter starts dating, she needs to learn that good relationships are built on respect. Teach her to recognize elements of a healthy relationship:
- Mutual respect
- Trust
- Honesty
- Compromise
- Individuality (not compromising who you are)
- Good communication
- Anger control
- Problem solving
- Understanding
Teach your daughter to recognize the warning signs of abuse. These can include a person who:
- Wants to get "serious" quickly
- Won't take "no" for an answer
- Wants to know where she is and who she is with at all times.
- Makes all decisions
- Dismisses her opinions and feelings
- Constantly pressures her
- Imposes guilt ("If you really loved me, you would ...")
- Feels he deserves unconditional love and support
- Apologizes for behavior and promises not to do it again
No excuse for abuse
Explain to your daughter that people who abuse their partners often use excuses to justify their behavior. Your daughter needs to know that she shouldn't put up with abuse or put aside her concerns. She needs to be aware of classic excuses for abuse, like:
- "I was having a bad day."
- "I didn't mean to hurt you."
- "You got me upset or angry."
- "You deserved it."
- "I was drunk or high."
- "I should be more important than your friends."
- "My needs are more important than yours."
If your daughter hears excuses like these, she should know that these point to a dangerous and abusive relationship. Further, encourage her to seek help from you or her mother about what to do.
Above all, teach your daughter that abuse usually doesn't go away on its own.
